I'm a Lover not a Writer : 2017

I've reached that point in my life where I am completely at peace and more than comfortable being on my own. It took many interesting experiences to get here. The dating scene is truly something else. I wish I was around back in my parents day. Back where there was mutual respect and love. Like real, true love. Not the temporary bullshit people throw around to get themselves through the night, the weekend, the season. The lies they tell themselves, they tell each other, to stay in these false relationships.

How can one be expected to give it their all when they are told by the other person they can't say where they see the relationship going. How can you say you're upset when parting ways if you're actively meeting other women online 9 months into the "relationship"? I use quotes because that's the other thing, no one wants to ever put a label on it. I cannot understand how this is acceptable. This has become normal, everyone is keeping one person on hold just waiting for the next best thing to come along. You all are missing out on some incredible people by doing this. You're also damaging them, that's the worst part.

I absolutely refuse to be guilt tripped for failing to keep someone else happy. Just as I, and only I, am responsible for my own happiness you are responsible for yours. I too have demons that I face and slay daily. I do not need to be nor expect to be rescued and neither should any of you.

I tried. I tried really hard to do it. It's just not in me. I cannot and I will not settle nor sacrifice my happiness, my wellbeing for a false sense of security. I don't see a need for it. I have amazing people in my life already.

I don't want to be a second, third or fourth choice. I don't want to be a consolation prize. Especially when I do not feel what I'm supposed to feel, and yes I'm going to be cheesy here because I have felt that before. I know it exists. I will hold out for that or continue my journey alone.

One trait I inherited from my mother was her incredible strength. I thank God for that daily. I have my moments where I break but I know when I need to pull away from a situation and fix myself.

It's been a long cold lonely winter but I can see the sun shining bright again.

Visiting her in the hospital was not a new thing for us, unfortunately. However when the doctor spoke to me in the doorway to her room and told me she probably wouldn't be coming home after this visit I didn't know how to process it. My mother would be sent to hospice. My mother was dying and there wasn't a thing I could do to save her. I didn't think it was true. I thought he must be wrong, he has been wrong before about the minor things after all. But he wasn't. My mother was not coming home.

She was talking still but not much at this point. I remember talking to her about my nephews birthday January 5th and my birthday January 20th. We knew she was not going to make it much longer, she didn't have to say what I knew she was thinking. I told her it was ok, we would celebrate both birthdays together. It was decided we would the Friday after RJs birthday, January 6th.

At this point I was in and out of work, life was a blur. I just wanted to spend time with my mom while I could. I went to work on January 6th. I was only planning to stay a few hours, we had a couple of birthdays to celebrate, ya know. I received a voicemail from one of my cousins and it sounded important, I called him back right away. He asked me what happened that something happened, his mother one of my lovely aunts, was in hysterics and all he could make out from her was that it wasn't Peggy, my mom. I had no clue what he was talking about.

One thing I should mention is that I come from a very large, close-knit family. I hang up with Allan and call my Aunt Loretta. She tells me that she can't tell me what is going on over the phone but I insisted. While I sat in a cubicle, surrounded by coworkers in all directions. With the next words my fragile heart broke in two. It's Leman, he took his own life. Leman was 19, my baby cousin. The boy who I used to threaten when I babysat him that if he didn't behave I'd have to call his Uncle Steven... the only person he was afraid of. What I wouldn't give for another day with that fresh little boy. The boy who used to melt your heart when he told you he loved you, unable to pronounce his L's properly, "I yove you". The boy who as a young teenager we went to the movies and by the time we got back it was as if he was the adult watching me that night I was so scared from the movie. The boy who as a teenager, no matter who was around would ALWAYS come up and give you a hug if you were family - he wasn't embarrassed by you like most teens get. The boy who had no fear as he would come home after a fall while BMX-ing. The boy who was just turning into a man.

I had to be picked up from work that day because I couldn't drive myself. Thankful for yet another cousin, Roy, who drove out to get me and also came with me to tell my sister. Family is where we needed to be.

It was decided that we couldn't tell my Mom. She wasn't in a good place, obviously. And at this point she stopped talking. We did however, have two birthdays to celebrate, ya know. So we parted from the rest of our grieving family and headed to the hospital. How could one pretend that everything was ok when the little boy with such a big personality whom they've watch grow up was suddenly gone? How could one pretend that everything was ok when they knew their mom (grandmother/sister/aunt) was not going to make it much longer? The answer is you do, you don't know how but you do.

We went to the store and gathered party hats and balloons. Several of us went into that hospital room and pretended life was the same as it was the night before. Rj & I celebrated our last birthdays with her and it was fucking awful. I still have that Spongebob party hat, though.

At some point right after she was moved to hospice, where I slept every night on a cot by her side. On Saturday January 14th, in the early morning hours I awoke to a sweet, soft voice. Angelic almost. "Shes gone. She passed during the night". With those few words, eight days after my heart broke in two, it shattered into a million pieces.

That was five years ago. FIVE. How does it feel like it's been so long yet just yesterday. Time is funny like that. Five years later and the realization that I won't see them again is just sinking in. I don't think it ever gets better, as they say... it just gets... different. You certainly adjust to life without them but it never "gets better".

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide please consider reaching out to one of these incredible organizations. There are people who want to help:

1-800-273-8255

Afsp.org

Nami.org

Twloha.com

Projectsemicolon.org

For information on bile duct cancer please visit:

Cholangiocarcinoma.org

In loving memory of

Leman Bradshaw

08/25/92-01/06/12

BMX video:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PEdnTHDR4Zg