Soul Searching

*** Disclaimer *** I've never really blogged before. If you intend to follow please know that my intentions are to keep myself motivated while hopefully inspiring others. I'm also blogging to maintain memories and share my experiences with anyone interested. I'm not here to be a writer, I will make grammatical and spelling errors. I probably won't post on a scheduled basis and I've been known to have a hard time articulating my thoughts into words so please bear with me. Here goes ...

 I have so many wonderful ideas brewing in my mind. I'm sure they won't manifest exactly how I envision them but that's quite alright! Life doesn't go according to plan as I've learned. So my plan is to have no set plan during this journey. I'll have starting points, ideas and minimal direction however I'm trusting myself: my intuition, my soul, my heart, my body, my mind. I'm trusting ME. Speaking of me, I should probably give you a little background. 

 My name is Marie, I'm 34 years old. Born and raised in Connecticut. My only kids are a sweet yet spunky Beagle named Kona and a cute, not so little Red-eared Slider named Kai. I'm single. I work full time at a large well known corporation, I own a small photography business and I occasionally work the door at a local ballroom dance. Im an aunt, a sister, a daughter, a niece, a cousin and a friend. Im a lover with a huge heart. I'm a giver. I maintain a full schedule. I'm busy. Yet somehow I have realized that I am, and have been, lost and alone. Living a redundant life. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat, clean, work some more, go to bed, rinse and repeat. I know there is more to life. I merely exist but I want to LIVE! Now don't get me wrong, I have a social life, I've traveled and I've had some incredible experiences. I have accomplished things that I never thought that I could or would do. However there's that dreaded yet simple question I cringe upon hearing when talking to people, "What's new?" or "What have you been up to?" .... I can't come up with a single thing and we all know you don't want to hear my rinse and repeat. It's lame. 

 2014 was very eye opening for me after reflecting on the accomplishments I mentioned previously. It made me realize the potential I have in me to truly live. This is part of why I've come to the decision I have. Another huge factor is the desire to meet new people. More specifically a man; ya know being a 30 something year old childless single lady and all. As much as I know how to be alone let's face it, no one wants to end up alone. And to you "Oh you have plenty of time!" people I can not stress enough how annoyingly frustrating it is to hear you say this. You can only say that because it's not you. Ideally I'd like to meet someone, court them, enjoy an engagement and a marriage before popping out kids and that my friends takes time, more time than you think about when you give your line. In this department I am not desperate nor will I settle, some may say I'm picky but I don't think that's the case at all because I have truly loved someone who was far from perfect. I've never been one to really date, I just always ended up with guys I knew. I've had relationships with the right guy at the wrong time, the wrong guy no matter what the time, the it meant nothing more than the moment(s) guys, the guy who's heart I broke and of course the one guy who broke my heart. All of those experiences led me to try the online dating thing but I learned quickly that option was not for me. (I would've loved to see a report user to their mother feature implemented on those sites) It got old fast, I found I was on there for the wrong reasons and I learned that Im just simply not ready to meet someone at the moment. But that road led me to the realization that people don't know how to interact properly anymore and led to my question of "How do you even meet new quality people these days!?"

 The reason I'm alone and not diving into the dating pool is not complicated. I'm a firm believer that you need to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. Sadly, I didn't love myself. I still don't 100% but I do love myself more than I ever have. I know that I can and know that I will love myself completely one day. As of right now I vow to date myself. I vow to put myself first for once. The first step in dating is getting to know each other. The best way to do that is to spend quality one on one time together. 

 All of these things mentioned plus many more crazy thoughts (my mind never stops) have led me here.  I've been inspired by people I know well, people who I barely know and people who I thought I knew. People who have loved me and people who have hurt me. I've read different articles and have seen many motivational pictures/quotes. It has all brought me to my "unusually grand idea" (hahaha NP!).  I ran my idea through a few of, but not all of, my best people and the few I have are supporting this decision. I know, you're all dying to know what this plan, this idea, this decision is. Here's where I tell! 

 At least two weekend days out of the month starting in March or April, depending on our weather, I am hopping in my car and going. Preferably out of state but I know some will be here in Connecticut. Mostly day trips. Hoping to get an occasional overnighter or weekend trip in there somehow too. Sometimes completely alone but most times with my pup, always with my camera. I want to explore little towns, hike trails I've never taken, listen to waves crash on a beach I've never sat on. I will visit little shops, local coffee houses, thrift stores, diners and restaurants. Some days I will have dinner all by myself in a restaurant even allowing the occasional glass of wine. Nothing commercialized. I will leave earlier in the morning hours with no set arrival or departure time. I will have a destination, one I've never been to before. If I am compelled to stop off along the way I will. If I decide to stay there rather than continue to my original destination I will. Should I decide my original destination just isn't doing it for me then I'll go. I'll end wherever the day takes me. I will be doing this unplugged *gasp* during the adventure, aside from keeping my sister updated on my whereabouts for safety measures. I'm sure I will grab the occasional Starbucks or make a few social media posts, I'm not perfect. But one of the goals I hope to gain from these experiences is to get back to basics. Which leads me to my rule that I must have at least one full, real conversation with a complete stranger each trip. My goal is to gain at least three new friends, ya know the exchange numbers and go back to visit type by the end of the journey. I will be pushing my boundaries and stepping out of my comfort zone. I will be touching base with my creativity, allowing me to photograph the things I want to. I will still be doing my photography and yes I love working with the kids but I got so hung up on it last year I barely took any photographs for myself. I admittedly lost some of my drive and just want to be passionate with it again. I am overall looking for that lost excitement in all aspects of my life again. A few years back I traveled with just Kona up to the Catskills, I'm a fairly independent woman but I learned that there is just something about traveling alone that awakens and empowers the soul of a woman. I know this is what I need to do. It's time for me to live, to learn, to grow. 

 I will journal my travels and intend to blog about each one. See all that rambling, everything actually comes together and had a reason to be said in the end. 

 Welcome to my on a very tight budget, I still need to work and have responsibilities version of Eat, Pray, Love! Let my soul searching begin! 

 Peace and love, 

                      Marie 

 Ps I hope y'all know I'm a pretty private person so some of this, although easy to type made it very hard to actually press publish.